1 00:01:10,382 --> 00:01:14,480 Ah, you made it Rodders, good! Well done my son. 2 00:01:15,989 --> 00:01:21,145 You've got a bloody nerve you have Del, phoning me up at home and demanding I come down here and pick you up! 3 00:01:21,704 --> 00:01:26,888 What could I do Rodney? What - what could I - listen, look 4 00:01:27,150 --> 00:01:30,933 I've got the Vauxhall Velox outside haven't I, eh, and I've had a few, you know what I mean, 5 00:01:31,082 --> 00:01:33,446 a few drinky poos and I thought to myself, what, 6 00:01:33,623 --> 00:01:36,978 I could get a little old mini- cab and then I thought to myself no, no, no, 7 00:01:37,157 --> 00:01:38,788 what is more impressive 8 00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:41,874 is more impressive is if you get your driver to come round 9 00:01:42,012 --> 00:01:46,990 and drive you home in your Vauxhall Volox - Vauxhall Velox! 10 00:01:47,134 --> 00:01:49,481 What do you mean impressive, eh? Who are you trying to impress? 11 00:01:50,837 --> 00:02:00,904 A contact Rodney! Contact. New man in the area - stone rich, looking for 'business opportunities'. 12 00:02:01,684 --> 00:02:04,682 We could earn out of this Rodders my little brother! 13 00:02:04,847 --> 00:02:09,465 Del, what you failed to realise is when you phoned I was in the flat with a friend! 14 00:02:10,241 --> 00:02:12,755 - Well why didn't you bring him with you? - It wasn't a he! 15 00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:18,608 Well, what is it then? Have you been up to naughties Rodney? 16 00:02:18,822 --> 00:02:22,278 No. I just had a feeling something was going to develop! 17 00:02:22,415 --> 00:02:24,917 Develop! You've been playing with my Polaroid again haven't you, eh? 18 00:02:25,095 --> 00:02:26,291 No! 19 00:02:27,978 --> 00:02:32,329 - I'll just collect my coat Derek! - Alright. No rush Vammil me old mucker! 20 00:02:32,939 --> 00:02:40,409 - Who? - Vimmal...Vimmal Malik...my contact! Say no more! 21 00:02:45,084 --> 00:02:49,023 So he said 'She can't come now 'cos she's weighing the postman.' 22 00:02:51,182 --> 00:02:55,910 'ere, d'you fancy a nightcap Vimmal? I know a nice little pub that does late tasting, eh. 23 00:02:59,563 --> 00:03:02,283 Thought you'd given me the slip did you Vimmal? 24 00:03:02,789 --> 00:03:05,295 Why don't you go away and leave me alone! 25 00:03:07,711 --> 00:03:13,636 I have no quarrel with you my friend. It's this pig's behind Malik that I wish to see! 26 00:03:14,964 --> 00:03:18,777 - Friend of yours is he Vimmal? - He's no ones friend. 27 00:03:20,090 --> 00:03:24,266 Listen John, I don't know what this barney's all about and I don't want to know! 28 00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:29,427 So why don't you chaps get out of the way before someone gets a smack in the ear! Right! 29 00:03:30,041 --> 00:03:38,403 Please, do not threaten me with violence my friend. My colleague here is a second Dan in karate! 30 00:03:39,913 --> 00:03:45,916 And I'm a black belt in origami, now get out of my way! 31 00:04:01,823 --> 00:04:04,089 Watch him Del, watch his kari tari, mate. 32 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,223 I'll watch your bloody kari tari in a minute Rodney, just shut up will you! 33 00:04:12,506 --> 00:04:13,947 Police! 34 00:04:21,184 --> 00:04:24,034 - Rodney! You and Vimmal in the car quickly! - Right, let's go! 35 00:04:26,177 --> 00:04:31,436 Well it's been very pleasant meeting you both. Have a nice evening won't you. 36 00:04:31,685 --> 00:04:38,627 My friend! It's not good to part in such circumstances. Could we talk? 37 00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:44,480 I've done all the talking I wanted to. Goodnight each. 38 00:04:48,471 --> 00:04:53,378 Rodney! I didn't mean drive off! What a plonker! 39 00:04:57,437 --> 00:05:04,686 Well, on second thoughts I quite fancy a nice little chat! Perhaps you could drop me off home after? 40 00:05:07,154 --> 00:05:15,774 Oh, oh dear, come on me old mate, come on. No, you'll be alright. Here, what happened? 41 00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:29,504 Ah John, that is twice, right? 42 00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:36,088 I think your brother has now arrived Mr Trotter. 43 00:05:37,194 --> 00:05:41,641 Ah, yeah, could you excuse me a minute Mr Ram. Excuse me. Rodney! 44 00:05:42,061 --> 00:05:44,724 Del - are you alright son? I thought you was in bother! 45 00:05:44,893 --> 00:05:49,167 Oh, that's why it's taken you an hour an' half to get here is it? Didn't Grandad tell you that I phoned? 46 00:05:49,329 --> 00:05:52,749 Oh yeah, he told me! 'Del Boy's been captured by the Indians' he said. 47 00:05:53,081 --> 00:05:55,753 I didn't know whether to phone the police of the Texas Rangers! 48 00:05:56,315 --> 00:05:59,478 If you were so worried at your brother, you know, you were so worried about me, 49 00:05:59,667 --> 00:06:02,664 how come it's taken you till twenty to one in the morning to come to me rescue? 50 00:06:02,832 --> 00:06:05,464 Because your telephone message lacked something in clarity, didn't it? 51 00:06:05,636 --> 00:06:08,393 You didn't tell Grandad which Indian restaurant you was in! 52 00:06:08,609 --> 00:06:11,333 I've been crashing through the doors of every curry house and take-away 53 00:06:11,507 --> 00:06:14,520 from Battersea Bridge to Colliers Wood tube station! 54 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,357 I can now leap out of the Vauxhall Velox, Dukes of Hazzard fashion, 55 00:06:17,524 --> 00:06:19,989 make a chapati and say get stuffed in Urdu! 56 00:06:21,065 --> 00:06:23,073 - I forgive you, Rodney. - Oh that's nice. 57 00:06:23,421 --> 00:06:25,593 - Alright then. - So there's gonna be trouble is there? 58 00:06:25,799 --> 00:06:29,760 - No, no, put that spoon down. - Thank God for that! 59 00:06:30,794 --> 00:06:36,868 Right, come on. Rodney I would like you to meet Mr Ram, he owns this restaurant. 60 00:06:37,244 --> 00:06:38,946 Of course you know Oddjob don't you! 61 00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:44,501 Well - nice restaurant you've got here, Mr Ram...Very...er...Very... 62 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:46,799 - Indian. - Yeah, Indian! 63 00:06:46,963 --> 00:06:48,625 - Thank you. - Sit down, sit down. 64 00:06:48,821 --> 00:06:52,106 I was just telling your brother how well I've done since I came to Britain. 65 00:06:52,668 --> 00:06:57,459 I now own 18 of these restaurants all together. I also own a lot of land. 66 00:06:57,807 --> 00:07:00,616 Yeah, yeah, Oddjob's got a couple of acres and all hasn't he? 67 00:07:08,291 --> 00:07:12,612 I am telling you now if I got into my car at nine o' clock in the morning, 68 00:07:12,878 --> 00:07:16,637 it would take me up till two in the afternoon to drive around my land. 69 00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:19,007 Yeah, we had a car like that once eh? 70 00:07:19,998 --> 00:07:22,026 - What? - Don't matter. 71 00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:26,718 So Mr Ram you and this, Vimmal, you've been having a bit of an up and downer then have you? 72 00:07:26,976 --> 00:07:30,714 Don't mention that name at this table. It will sour the food. 73 00:07:30,877 --> 00:07:32,219 What's it all about then? 74 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:37,857 I'll tell you what it's all about Mr Trotter. It's about truth - it's about righteousness, 75 00:07:38,017 --> 00:07:47,716 but above all it's about justice! Vimmal that pig's behind, has something that's rightfully mine! 76 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:53,090 You see our families have been engaged in a vendetta for many, many years. 77 00:07:53,278 --> 00:07:56,020 It goes right back to the days of the Old Empire. 78 00:07:56,306 --> 00:07:58,527 He means the British Empire not the Kilburn! 79 00:07:59,177 --> 00:08:01,770 I know that! I know that - pray continue. 80 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:08,838 Now my family fought against the British whereas the Maliks family supported them! 81 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:13,996 When the conquest of Mother India was finally complete the British Raj 82 00:08:14,187 --> 00:08:20,135 decided to reward the Maliks' loyalty by giving them my family's land! 83 00:08:20,449 --> 00:08:22,554 What, you mean they just took it off your family? 84 00:08:22,791 --> 00:08:29,366 That's correct. They destroyed the home, they plundered the family's temple and then they sold the land. 85 00:08:30,498 --> 00:08:33,684 The Maliks have built a business empire with the proceeds. 86 00:08:34,312 --> 00:08:36,499 Here, couldn't you write to That's Life? 87 00:08:37,804 --> 00:08:39,662 - That's Life! - Yeah. 88 00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:45,146 But this happened a century ago Mr Trotter! If Lord Krishna himself couldn't help us 89 00:08:45,346 --> 00:08:48,648 I really don't think Esther Rantzen would stand much chance! 90 00:08:48,939 --> 00:08:50,632 No, no, that was just a thought. Oh - get off! 91 00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:58,122 Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one, single item that remains of my birthright. 92 00:08:59,463 --> 00:09:04,832 It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera. You know of Kuvera? 93 00:09:05,132 --> 00:09:10,878 - Oh yeah. - You don't know who Kuvera is! 94 00:09:11,579 --> 00:09:14,566 - Yes I do! - Alright tell us! 95 00:09:16,241 --> 00:09:19,058 - What? - Who is he? 96 00:09:19,819 --> 00:09:22,130 - Who? - Kuvera! 97 00:09:22,505 --> 00:09:27,061 Em...Well er...He was, alright I don't know! 98 00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:31,500 There you are, see what I mean Mr Ram? He's got two 'O' Levels and he thinks he's Bamber Cascoigne's vest! 99 00:09:31,796 --> 00:09:34,112 Alright Mastermind, who is he then? 100 00:09:35,046 --> 00:09:39,626 Kuvera was one of India's premier wicket-keepers. 101 00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:42,474 You berk! 102 00:09:42,744 --> 00:09:48,408 Kuvera is the Hindu god of wealth, from the second aspect of the Trimurti - the Hindu Trinity! 103 00:09:48,641 --> 00:09:52,840 Oh yeah, oh that Kuvera? Oh yeah, gotcha now, there was two of them see. 104 00:09:53,032 --> 00:10:00,556 In worldly terms the statuette is off little value, but in religious and sentimental terms it's precious to me... 105 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:05,808 and I want it back, it's mine by right! I'm a rich man Mr Trotter, 106 00:10:06,074 --> 00:10:10,548 I shouldn't have to stoop to the kind of intimidation you witnessed tonight. 107 00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:16,901 I'm prepared to buy it back from Vimmal Malik. I would pay four thousand pounds! 108 00:10:21,407 --> 00:10:26,750 Four - four - four thousand pounds. Well, why don't you just go and make him an offer? 109 00:10:26,940 --> 00:10:33,614 Oh it's impossible! It's this wretched cast-system you see. He belongs to the high ceste and I belong to the low caste. 110 00:10:33,957 --> 00:10:35,217 Oh no, don't put yourself down. 111 00:10:35,342 --> 00:10:43,021 We cannot meet, talk or communicate in any manner! So you see my friends I am up a gum-tree without a paddle! 112 00:10:44,309 --> 00:10:47,244 It seems to me Mr Ram what you need is a mutual friend, you know. 113 00:10:47,456 --> 00:10:50,096 Someone who can talk to the both of you, you know act as a sort of go-between! 114 00:10:50,979 --> 00:10:53,708 Perhaps you and your brother! 115 00:10:54,099 --> 00:11:01,811 What us? I suppose we could, I mean, cor, why didn't we think of that Rodney? 116 00:11:02,042 --> 00:11:04,227 I think one of us already did Del! 117 00:11:04,641 --> 00:11:10,215 If you help me to reclaim the statuette, I don't know how I'd ever reward you! 118 00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:14,796 Well I've always fancied one of those video recorders. But no, no, pas de Basque. 119 00:11:15,202 --> 00:11:22,883 Pas de Basque. We'll go and see this Mr Vimmal tomorrow. Um, four grand, right? 120 00:11:23,071 --> 00:11:30,896 Right. Oh, but I must make one thing quite clear. I don't trust this man Malik, 121 00:11:31,146 --> 00:11:34,156 you see he comes from a long line of swindlers! 122 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:41,540 I won't part with a single penny until I have the statuette safely in my hands! 123 00:11:42,439 --> 00:11:46,732 Don't you worry, don't worry Mr Ram, me and Vimmal we're like that! 124 00:11:48,006 --> 00:11:50,767 Good job that we didn't call the police tonight. 125 00:11:54,424 --> 00:11:56,511 Oh, what happened? 126 00:11:58,214 --> 00:12:03,385 I'm surprised at you Derek, and you also Rodney! How could you share a meal with that... 127 00:12:03,842 --> 00:12:06,610 ...with that gutter dog? I thought you were my friends? 128 00:12:06,823 --> 00:12:11,328 We are your friends Vimmal me old mucker! Just trust me will you, trust me! 129 00:12:12,221 --> 00:12:19,299 You see this Mr Ram - the gutter dog - told us about the little misunderstanding 130 00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:22,927 that your two families have been having for the last 100 years or so! 131 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:27,745 He also mentioned something about the statue of some god or another. 132 00:12:28,228 --> 00:12:29,962 Of Kuvera, the god of wealth! 133 00:12:30,197 --> 00:12:34,053 Ah, that's him - that's the boy! Yeah well, yeah, well you know. 134 00:12:36,352 --> 00:12:38,852 Well without beating about the bush, 135 00:12:43,155 --> 00:12:46,485 I mean to cut a long story short, 136 00:12:47,589 --> 00:12:50,827 well not to put too fine a point on it... 137 00:12:51,073 --> 00:12:52,716 He wants to buy it off you! 138 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:03,813 Buy it from me! He must have gone mad or he's been eating too many of his own curries! 139 00:13:04,086 --> 00:13:08,355 Buy it from me indeed! I wouldn't sell it to him if he offered me a million pounds! 140 00:13:09,782 --> 00:13:12,779 How much did he offer? Purely out of curiosity you understand. 141 00:13:12,982 --> 00:13:16,048 - Er, two grand! - Two grand! I thought Mr Ram said... 142 00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:19,821 Yeah, a grand, that is right Rodney but I persuaded him to double it! 143 00:13:19,983 --> 00:13:23,203 Two grand! No, no, no, I cannot sell it to him. 144 00:13:23,589 --> 00:13:28,332 Two grand Vimmal me old mucker. You know it's not to be sneezed at, is it, eh? 145 00:13:29,004 --> 00:13:33,909 I will not deny that I'm tempted Derek. I thought of selling the statuette once before. 146 00:13:34,102 --> 00:13:36,957 The most I was offered was a hundred and fifty pounds! 147 00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:43,503 Now look Vimmal, you see, I get the impression that you're not quite as rich and successful ... 148 00:13:43,777 --> 00:13:46,897 as you told me you were last night at the chamber of trade bash. 149 00:13:47,183 --> 00:13:50,497 I mean, take a look at this place, it's hardly the Ritz is it, eh? 150 00:13:51,558 --> 00:13:53,437 More like the Nits! 151 00:13:54,231 --> 00:13:58,298 I will admit I have suffered some misfortunes in my business dealings of late. 152 00:13:58,792 --> 00:14:01,511 So two grand on the hip would come in dead handy, eh? 153 00:14:02,336 --> 00:14:05,619 Two grand would come in handy as you say! 154 00:14:05,972 --> 00:14:10,244 But I cannot communicate with him, I'm of a high caste, he's a low caste! 155 00:14:10,426 --> 00:14:13,133 But you don't have to communicate with him Vimmal me old mucker. 156 00:14:13,316 --> 00:14:16,828 That's where me and Rodders come in. You see we're acting as the go-betweens! 157 00:14:17,262 --> 00:14:22,608 Even so I cannot accept this offer. You see it would be like betraying my family. 158 00:14:22,924 --> 00:14:27,360 The statuette was left to me by my father! You wouldn't understand what that means would you? 159 00:14:27,519 --> 00:14:30,517 - Oh yes, yes we would, wouldn't we Rodney? - Would we Del? 160 00:14:31,399 --> 00:14:43,678 Our - late mother - well she's dead now - she left us this family heirloom. It was this Victorian globe. 161 00:14:44,141 --> 00:14:45,601 It meant the world to us. 162 00:14:48,332 --> 00:14:54,548 As he said it meant the world to us. Yeah but there came the time when we fell upon stony ground. 163 00:14:54,690 --> 00:14:57,168 - We fell upon stony ground did we? - Yes, we fell upon stony ground. 164 00:14:57,374 --> 00:15:03,184 And the only thing we had of any value was - was this Victorian globe which we cherished! 165 00:15:03,615 --> 00:15:07,349 - You sold it? - Well, no, I raffled it down the betting shop! 166 00:15:07,511 --> 00:15:09,428 But, of course, you understand the sense of loss? 167 00:15:09,614 --> 00:15:13,605 Well not really, no, because by some stroke of fortune Del had the winning ticket! 168 00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:20,277 - I think it was God...or something! - You think I should sell it to him Derek? 169 00:15:20,466 --> 00:15:27,219 Yes, of course I do Vimmal me old mucker. I mean, it's just an ancient piece of old religious pottery! 170 00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:33,563 And with two grand wisely invested. I mean in a couple of years you could replace it with... 171 00:15:34,595 --> 00:15:37,269 ...who knows what, a Capo Del Monte! 172 00:15:38,448 --> 00:15:44,591 And personally, anyway, I'm not - I'm sorry I've got to tell you this but I think that statue is cursed! 173 00:15:44,874 --> 00:15:47,348 - Cursed? - Oh leave it out Del! 174 00:15:47,684 --> 00:15:49,841 Do not underestimate the powers of darkness Rodney. 175 00:15:50,312 --> 00:15:53,328 I mean for a god of wealth he ain't done Vimmal no favours has he, eh? 176 00:15:54,517 --> 00:15:58,649 I'm not a superstitious man Derek but I'm a business man and a realist... 177 00:15:59,079 --> 00:16:01,105 I have decided to accept his offer! 178 00:16:01,967 --> 00:16:04,492 Well, you know it makes sense Vimmal! 179 00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:11,851 - Now just what's your... 180 00:16:12,178 --> 00:16:14,412 - Do excuse me, won't you. - Oh certainly, yes. 181 00:16:15,601 --> 00:16:19,589 Now just what is your game Del? Ram offered four grand, how come you're only offering two? 182 00:16:19,786 --> 00:16:20,923 Slip of the tongue, Rodney. 183 00:16:21,184 --> 00:16:23,427 Oh so when he comes back you won't mind me telling him the truth? 184 00:16:23,619 --> 00:16:26,702 No, don't you do that or otherwise he'll think I'm trying to con him. 185 00:16:26,863 --> 00:16:30,031 - You are trying to con him! - No man is an island, Rodney. 186 00:16:30,204 --> 00:16:34,731 I know that Del. What I'm on about is the - what's that supposed to mean? 187 00:16:35,103 --> 00:16:41,163 What it means - what it - look the French have a saying, Rodney. Bouillabaisse mon ami. 188 00:16:41,455 --> 00:16:46,019 Bouillabaisse mon ami? That means fish stew, my friend! 189 00:16:47,203 --> 00:16:48,604 Need I say more. 190 00:16:48,795 --> 00:16:51,354 Now don't try an' fob me off with your stupid French phrases. 191 00:16:51,499 --> 00:16:54,741 You're trying to con him out of two thousand quid...We're going to get lumbered, Del 192 00:16:54,916 --> 00:16:55,468 How? 193 00:16:56,274 --> 00:16:59,229 Alright, say Ram and Vimmal meet and discuss the deal? 194 00:16:59,388 --> 00:17:03,691 That's the beauty of it, Ram and Vimmal cannot meet because of the wonderful caste system. 195 00:17:03,862 --> 00:17:06,061 It's Christmas come early for us. 196 00:17:06,219 --> 00:17:09,754 And anyway if it wasn't for kind-hearted people like you and me willing to act as go-betweens, 197 00:17:09,923 --> 00:17:11,745 Vimmal would end up with nothing. 198 00:17:11,911 --> 00:17:15,533 And as it is two grand is better than a kick up the bot from Bobby Charlton innit, eh? 199 00:17:15,975 --> 00:17:18,013 - It's immoral. - It's free enterprise. 200 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,530 - It's illegal then. - Alright so it's against the law, and all. 201 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:25,399 But look, you and I can earn a grand a piece out of this. 202 00:17:25,572 --> 00:17:27,484 - It's fraud. - Are you in? 203 00:17:27,766 --> 00:17:29,391 Yeah, all right. 204 00:17:37,588 --> 00:17:46,416 This is it is it Vimmal my old mucker? Oh, that is lovely that - wonderful workmanship. 205 00:17:46,887 --> 00:17:52,170 Of course I'm a Ming fan myself, you know. Oh yeah, he made some wonderful stuff didn't he that Ming, yeah. 206 00:17:52,477 --> 00:17:56,164 - Pity he went and died hen he did weren't it, eh? - Ming was a dynasty, Derek! 207 00:17:56,444 --> 00:17:59,164 I don't care what he was Vimmal, he made a smashing vase. 208 00:17:59,937 --> 00:18:04,959 Anyway, look we'll pop this round to Mr Ram and bring you back your two grand post haste 209 00:18:05,266 --> 00:18:07,392 as they say in Ancient Rome, alright? 210 00:18:07,602 --> 00:18:12,134 No, no, no, Derek. This does not leave my sight until his money is on the table. 211 00:18:12,443 --> 00:18:16,555 Ah? No, no, sorry, look you don't understand, you see. 212 00:18:16,908 --> 00:18:22,658 'Cos he said that you won't get a penny until he has the statuette safely in his hands. Alright. 213 00:18:22,857 --> 00:18:27,881 I don't care what he said Derek, I do not trust the man - he comes from a long line of cheats. 214 00:18:28,163 --> 00:18:32,186 You bring me his money first then you can take him the statue. 215 00:18:33,094 --> 00:18:40,209 No but you see - you see he said - he said bring the statue and then - the you can have the money. 216 00:18:40,465 --> 00:18:43,238 - I don't care what he said, Derek. - He don't care what he said, Derek. 217 00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:46,993 Yes I heard what he said. I'll leave Rodney as a deposit. 218 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,473 Well what else can I do? 219 00:18:50,659 --> 00:18:54,216 I mean look he won't let that go till he gets the money and he won't have the money till he gets that. 220 00:18:54,580 --> 00:19:01,867 Oh Gordon Bennett - this is classic this is, isn't it, eh? It's the bacon and egg situation all over again. 221 00:19:02,035 --> 00:19:05,065 - It's the chicken and egg Del. - We haven't got time to discuss food Rodney. 222 00:19:05,392 --> 00:19:08,770 Talk to him, Derek. Persuade him to submit to my terms. 223 00:19:09,042 --> 00:19:11,140 After all you have influence over him, 224 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:15,915 you have already persuaded him to double his offer from a grand to two grand. 225 00:19:16,079 --> 00:19:21,531 Yeah, well alright. Right Vim, I'll see what I can do then shall I, yeah? 226 00:19:24,357 --> 00:19:29,032 I'll get back to you. Alright. You know you er, right, stay loose. 227 00:19:31,158 --> 00:19:38,655 Okay and don't you worry Vimmal. I mean me and old Ram, we're like that, we're like, yeah. 228 00:19:39,525 --> 00:19:41,522 Thanks. Come on. 229 00:19:44,024 --> 00:19:46,394 - What are we gonna do now? - Just forget the whole thing Del. 230 00:19:46,547 --> 00:19:48,728 What do you mean forget the whole thing. How can we forget the whole thing? 231 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:53,142 Two grand up for grabs and you say forget it. No, no, there's got to be another way round it. 232 00:19:53,332 --> 00:19:56,335 There isn't. Look, Ram won't pay a penny until he's got the statuette in his hands 233 00:19:56,524 --> 00:19:59,436 and Vimmal won't let the statuette go till he's got Ram's money. 234 00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:04,424 Yeah cheers. Yeah, what he thinks is Ram's money. 235 00:20:05,429 --> 00:20:07,089 What you on about now? 236 00:20:07,286 --> 00:20:13,910 Well let's say, just for instance, that we had 2000 pounds lying around at home doing nothing in particular. 237 00:20:14,249 --> 00:20:15,368 Just mooching about. 238 00:20:15,564 --> 00:20:17,458 Yeah, you know, kicking its heels, that sort of thing. 239 00:20:17,653 --> 00:20:21,511 And let's say that we - we gave Vimmal that 2000 pounds right 240 00:20:21,661 --> 00:20:25,280 and we pretend that we'd just collected from Mr Ram. 241 00:20:25,427 --> 00:20:27,448 Well Vimmal, he wouldn't know any better, would he, eh? 242 00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:31,319 So thinking that he'd won the battle and, and as happy as a sand boy, 243 00:20:31,470 --> 00:20:36,497 he'd hand over the statuette which we would then whip round to Mr Ram 244 00:20:36,665 --> 00:20:42,164 who was also thinking that he'd won the battle, and being equally chuffed as a sand boy, 245 00:20:42,362 --> 00:20:47,798 would hand over to us 4,000 lovely smackeroonyos. 246 00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:54,035 We would get on our bike leaving them to play sandcastles. Brilliant innit, eh? 247 00:20:55,207 --> 00:20:58,583 Yeah, there's only one problem I can see Del. How the hell do we get 2000 pounds? 248 00:21:00,774 --> 00:21:04,615 You always bring little details up don't you, eh? We get it from a bank. 249 00:21:04,815 --> 00:21:06,754 - What rob it? - Well, that's a... 250 00:21:07,436 --> 00:21:10,622 No, no, no, we'll borrow it from a bank. This is gilt-edge security innit? 251 00:21:10,958 --> 00:21:15,068 Del, you can't stroll into a bank and ask for a loan to help you pull off a con-trick. 252 00:21:15,260 --> 00:21:17,348 Besides, we haven't got a bank account. 253 00:21:18,019 --> 00:21:20,277 Oh well there's got to be another way of raising the money. 254 00:21:20,463 --> 00:21:22,208 I mean there's just got to be. 255 00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:27,304 Here, we're general traders aren't we? 256 00:21:27,478 --> 00:21:30,233 Well why don't we start trading generally. 257 00:21:30,403 --> 00:21:33,910 I mean we could flog all our stock that we've got in the garage, couldn't we? 258 00:21:34,055 --> 00:21:36,150 We could sell the deep-freeze, the Vauxhall Velox. 259 00:21:36,343 --> 00:21:37,305 Three-wheeled van? 260 00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:39,740 You're jesting, they'd want a tenner to take that away. 261 00:21:40,052 --> 00:21:44,966 No we could flog Grandad's telly, we could flog - 'ere my jewellery, 262 00:21:45,216 --> 00:21:47,229 that would bring in enough, I mean it's 27 carat. 263 00:21:47,946 --> 00:21:49,272 I thought it was nine carat! 264 00:21:49,421 --> 00:21:54,329 That was when I was buying, now I'm selling! We could sell that leather coat. 265 00:21:54,671 --> 00:21:56,346 You're not talking about my leather coat are you? 266 00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:58,250 No, no, I'm talking about - have you got a leather coat? 267 00:21:58,386 --> 00:22:00,650 Oh we'll knock that one out and all Rodney, yeah that's a good idea. 268 00:22:00,850 --> 00:22:03,230 Come on Del, we'll never raise two grand. 269 00:22:03,404 --> 00:22:06,717 We can, Rodney...You can do anything if you want it hard enough. 270 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,474 We can do it Rodney, we can do it! 271 00:22:11,085 --> 00:22:13,639 - Yeah, yeah. - Come on then. 272 00:23:29,081 --> 00:23:33,298 Well, thanks a lot, it's tempus fugit then, eh? 273 00:23:33,625 --> 00:23:35,417 Where's your watch, Derek? 274 00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:39,723 My watch. Oh, it's at the menders, I broke it last night playing you know, volleyball. 275 00:23:40,050 --> 00:23:44,150 - I thought you were right-handed! - Me - no, no, no, no, I'm ambiguous. 276 00:24:20,172 --> 00:24:22,647 Good afternoon, gentlemen. A table for two? 277 00:24:23,198 --> 00:24:24,955 - No thank you. - No thank you? 278 00:24:25,138 --> 00:24:27,399 - We'd like to see Mr Ram. - Mr Ram? 279 00:24:27,579 --> 00:24:28,897 - The owner. - The owner? 280 00:24:29,056 --> 00:24:34,564 Terrible echo in here ain't there, eh? Yeah we'd like to speak to the owner Mr Ram! 281 00:24:34,719 --> 00:24:35,987 The owner, Mr Ram? 282 00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:37,651 There it goes again. What is the matter with it. 283 00:24:38,022 --> 00:24:44,254 Now listen, listen, we would like to talk to the proprietor of this restaurant. 284 00:24:44,737 --> 00:24:47,234 I am the proprietor of this restaurant. 285 00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:48,727 - No, no, he don't understand. - What's he on about? 286 00:24:48,915 --> 00:24:53,980 - We want to see the real owner, right. - I am the real owner. 287 00:24:54,307 --> 00:25:02,400 Alright, alright - listen - just wait. Just watch my lips alright. Where is Mr Ram? 288 00:25:02,705 --> 00:25:04,492 Look, I don't know any Mr bloody Rams. 289 00:25:04,662 --> 00:25:08,065 So will you please leave. You drunks always come here causing trouble. 290 00:25:08,275 --> 00:25:09,851 Trouble! We're not drunks are we? 291 00:25:10,066 --> 00:25:13,962 Look, I was having a couple of meals here quite recently, you must remember me! 292 00:25:14,670 --> 00:25:17,025 I am sorry, you all look alike to me. 293 00:25:19,369 --> 00:25:22,031 Alike, what's he talking about we all look alike. What's the matter with him? 294 00:25:22,314 --> 00:25:25,625 He don't...no...he's making it up. Look! Look, look my brother, right? 295 00:25:25,758 --> 00:25:26,382 That's me. 296 00:25:26,562 --> 00:25:30,755 Was in here dining with a couple of Indian gentlemen. Right? 297 00:25:30,972 --> 00:25:38,976 One was sort of large - large and aggressive. Right? Big, and the other one - smaller. How small? 298 00:25:39,136 --> 00:25:41,264 Well he's smaller than that weren't he - get down there. 299 00:25:41,547 --> 00:25:45,681 About that big and more business-like and he had a beard - beard! 300 00:25:46,334 --> 00:25:47,766 He had a beard about that big. 301 00:25:47,944 --> 00:25:49,791 - Oh, that Mr Ram! - Yes. 302 00:25:49,981 --> 00:25:52,861 - I know who you are talking about now. - At last. 303 00:25:53,249 --> 00:25:56,091 He's the one who gave me a bouncy cheque. 304 00:25:56,810 --> 00:26:00,149 A short while ago I went to the address which is written on the back. 305 00:26:00,333 --> 00:26:03,606 He scarpered owing three weeks rent. 306 00:26:06,637 --> 00:26:10,148 No, no, there must be a mistake! It's got to be a mistake. 307 00:26:10,308 --> 00:26:14,048 I mean he told me he owned this restaurant. He told me he owned 18 of them in fact. 308 00:26:14,232 --> 00:26:16,184 Maybe he was fibbing! 309 00:26:17,180 --> 00:26:25,713 Fibbing! Maybe he was fibbing. I've just given him 2000 pounds for this on the strength of his 'fibbing'. 310 00:26:26,304 --> 00:26:28,563 2000 pounds, but why? 311 00:26:29,075 --> 00:26:32,572 You can get them in Portobello Road for seventeen pounds each! 312 00:26:36,292 --> 00:26:38,975 It's amazing what you can save if you shop around. 313 00:26:42,797 --> 00:26:45,458 I've got a nose-bleed coming Rodney! 314 00:26:48,820 --> 00:26:52,681 He tried to tell me that the statue was cursed! 315 00:26:54,673 --> 00:26:59,257 You know he told me that he thought Kuvera was a wicket-keeper. 316 00:27:03,799 --> 00:27:09,206 Let's see, now we've done Cardiff, Bristol, Southampton and now North and South London. 317 00:27:09,437 --> 00:27:10,627 Where to now? 318 00:27:10,847 --> 00:27:16,574 Oh to Birmingham, then Manchester, then Newcastle, even maybe Liverpool. 319 00:27:16,852 --> 00:27:19,667 In fact, anywhere where there're people who think they can exploit 320 00:27:19,834 --> 00:27:25,500 the religious bigotry of two stupid immigrants. We'll be rich my friend, very rich! 321 00:27:25,746 --> 00:27:28,709 I'll drink to that, my old mucker! 322 00:27:52,036 --> 00:27:53,884 No sign of Vimmal. 323 00:27:54,552 --> 00:27:58,253 No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! 324 00:27:59,430 --> 00:28:07,386 As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream, 'We've been done up like a couple of kippers.' 325 00:28:07,608 --> 00:28:08,871 Right, let's go to the police. 326 00:28:08,975 --> 00:28:12,845 Oh yeah, that's a good idea, that is - oh that's marvellous, we'd give them a good laugh down there couldn't we, eh? 327 00:28:13,130 --> 00:28:15,869 Can just imagine it? Trotter brothers conned out of two grand. 328 00:28:16,111 --> 00:28:21,098 It'd be all over the manor in no time, we'd never be able to hold our heads up in court again! 329 00:28:22,853 --> 00:28:27,054 I don't know how people like Vimmal and his mate can sleep at night, honest I don't. 330 00:28:28,941 --> 00:28:33,778 Lost everything. Leather coats, Vauxhall Velox, Grandad's telly! 331 00:28:34,345 --> 00:28:37,589 I've just remembered something. Grandad was renting that telly. 332 00:28:37,848 --> 00:28:47,401 Oh teriffic, come on - let's get something to eat, I always feel emotionally peckish when I've been gutted. 333 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:54,398 Well there's a curry house down the road Del. Only joking, Del Boy... Del! 334 00:28:58,334 --> 00:29:01,601 Subtitles by NVL